I think want to kill myself. It's not because my life is unbearably awful, or because I want attention; I just want to be done.
I want to be done worrying about what other people think of me, I want to be done trying to impress everyone but myself. I want to be done trying to live for others and failing horribly. I want to be done feeling so useless and worthless. I want to be done pitying myself as if I'm really that bad off.
My life is good; parents pay for everything, there's a roof over my head, there's food to eat (whether I choose to eat it or not), a car to drive, and an education to get me an even better life.
But I want to be done.
At this very moment, I feel worthless. Stupid. Useless. Annoying. Shitty. Trapped. Choked.
I'm breathing but I feel like I can't. I'm physically fine, but I feel broken.
Everything I'm doing is wrong. The second I think things are getting better, they fall apart. Shatter. I wish I had the courage to jump from the balcony, head first; crack my skull on the pavement and slowly bleed out before anyone can help me.
Feels like that's the kind of death I deserve. Slowly, and painfully bleeding dry like the people in my life who've bled dry of their love for me.
Am I really that impossible? That terrible? Am I really as stupid as everyone says I am?
I've talked down to people thinking I'm smarter; better. They've told me I'm stupid, ignorant and have no idea what I'm talking about. What if they've been right, every time? What if I'm really just, a completely judgmental, self-righteous, ignorant, idiotic, worthless, ugly bigot with no real purpose in life.
I swear I'm going to talk myself into suicide :) I'm crying as I write this, balling as I read my own thoughts. Even if no one said it, I would still believe these things to be true. Can I just be done?
Done with trying, done with thinking, done with feeling, done with being ... I don't want to die. I just want to be done.
I know people would miss me if I were to die, and be angry if I were to kill myself. I'm not trying to be conceited, I'm just being honest... smart. I don't think the people closest to me would just move on with everything, because people do love me. I just rarely see it. That's probably why I cry when I do. It's so rare, and it catches me by surprise... A good surprise. Someone loves me. If no one else, my mother. I couldn't kill myself. She might die after something like that.
But I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like no one cares. Whether they do or not... honestly, it doesn't matter. I don't feel loved, or cared for.
Maybe I'm just being a baby. Cry cry, no one's here to hold me. Cry cry, no one is trying to talk to me. Cry cry, people are fine without me. I don't really mind. But, I do wish, for once, someone would dig; try.
I could be broken and no one would ever know. They say, "speak up" or "say something". But how to I speak up about something when I know nothing about it. I'd just look stupid.
I have a problem. "What is it?" I don't know. "Why not?" I just don't. But something is wrong.
Usually, people look at you like you're stupid at that, or they just leave you alone.
I'm broken. And I don't know how to fix me...
I don't want to die... please help me
I don't want to be done...
Friday, January 9, 2015
So, I'm on the phone with my boyfriend/fiance; that title has an interesting explanation to it. I could explain that now but I think that would give away too much of my pathetic and unappealing mystery, you know? But anyway, I spoke to soon, because he just hung up on me. Cool, screw you too. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm being a brat. But that's just how I am. I see things my way until someone can somehow show me different. Then again, he's just as stubborn...maybe. I don't know anymore. I love him but I swear I can't even say I know in my heart we're going to make it. I don't even know if I know what love is. I'm just a stupid kid, right? Too young and inexperienced to know anything about anything. Simple stuff goes right over my head, and it sucks when I'm made a fool because of it; because of my own ignorance. Ha, I'm talking outta my ass right now. Just saying anything to keep my fingers darting across this black keyboard. I don't know why I mentioned the color, that detail was completely unnecessary, but so was that side comment. I'm sorry, to all the people who won't be reading this; I'm an idiot.
Okay. So I’m sitting here in my little sister/cousin’s room typing my mind into my computer as if it means anything. I haven’t written a thing since I got back from Grizzly Youth Academy in 2012. That’s over 2 years of nothing creative or worth a cent. I wish I had something to write about. I miss writing, it was fun, a great distraction. Now I have nothing to keep me busy and nothing to distract myself from, which means no writing, I guess. I just don’t have any motivation. No creative…anything. Kind of sucks, a lot actually. My book is just…sitting here on my computer, going nowhere and becoming nothing. Just like me; staying in the same place in time, going nowhere and becoming nothing. I’m not going to cry about it, not today, not now. I guess I’m just going to sit here, really, and just write about my failures because that’s doing more for me than anything else I can think of. My older sister/aunt is in the living room watching the IHeart Radio festival that she recorded earlier. Honestly, I’m still in here because she ruined my mood; basically called me ratchet because I watch a show about ignorant, pathetic, ghetto females trying to change their lives. Like, thanks so much for that. I really feel like she always has something “constructive” to say about me; whether it’s what I wear, what I do, what I think or how I feel. Really sucks, but it is what it is. Now I’m going to be living here and I have to make a choice. Am I always going to let her crap put me in this reclusive mood? Where I just want to shut down? Oh, and then there’s my cousin. He’s such an ass sometimes, a lot of the time. His ego is ridiculous. He can make anything a fight, and because I’m younger, I have to “respect my elders”, regardless of their disrespectful attitudes. But, like I said before, I have to make a decision on whether or not I am going to let their crap affect me in the worst way. Only issue is, the way I see it, I’m living in their house. So, I can’t just walk around and ignore them or keep to myself, eat their food and watch their TV; hence why I stay in my room.
*Just realized I’ve been spelling “hence” wrong forever; with an “s”. I’m such a moron*
So what do I do? I have no social skills, whatsoever, and I’m supposed to figure out a way to deal with their crap without asking them for help. Plus, I hate asking for help; especially from T (sister/cousin). Her biggest pet peeve is ignorance so there is like, absolutely no room for error with her. It sucks, because the second you don’t get something, she gets irritated and takes it upon herself to do it for you. And I can’t tell her to shove off and let me figure it out, because then she’ll just get an attitude and say something like, “Fuck it, you figure it out. Whatever.” So, if I really can’t figure it out, dammit, I’m just shit outta luck.
Random, but I’m thinking of just posting this as a blog. I mean, it was supposed to be a start of my “Daily Diary” or something. First of all, I know I don’t have the mental capability to remember to type some crap about my boring life every day. Plus I’ll be starting school and, knowing how writing and school don’t mix for me (although I’m working to major in Journalism), I just won’t have the time. The blog option popped into my head because T mentioned it before; something to benefit me in the pursuit of a writing career. So, screw it. I’m just going to post it. It’s not like anyone is going to read it. But it’s interesting to know it’s out there for anyone to see.
I bet there are plenty of typos in this but I actually don’t care. Later...